If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good