i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
when you don’t want to be too vague
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
What my back needs
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Welcome to the stomach
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.