@prsnprincess: If I'm lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
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@fuqtarded: On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
@starwarsshirt: I don't have jealousy issues, but I do have "flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you" issues.
@Poopy_Pizza_Pal: *grammar police reads ransom note* "Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead" *grammar cop dies* "Damn, he had 2 days until retirement"
@ImKevinito: Just saw a homeless guy fall asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth. Which probably explains why he's homeless.