Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
You Might Also Like
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd