@prsnprincess: If I'm lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
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@SortaBadass: Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
@OddMarc: If you don't walk sideways chanting 'crab people' when holding tongs, we can't be friends.
@ParaComedian09: If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson's daughter, none of this would be an issue.