@briangaar: If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath
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@sarcasm_inc: Me: I'm hot blooded check it and see got a fever of 103! 911: Did u call earlier about having a bad case of loving me? M: maybe 911: stop
@jazmasta: Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don't have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
@abradacabla: *walks up to Michael Cohen's door* "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Says." "Says who?" "THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM."
@FullMetalMommy: Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.