If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
pep talk
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.