@ieatanddrink: If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
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@jenlaw_11: Sometimes in the 'special talents' section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
@JohnLyonTweets: Me: Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know. Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone. Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
@WilliamAder: Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.
@Brentweets: I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I'm never going to be popular