If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha