If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
#damn
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok