[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.