my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
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When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”