If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
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Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Webb. James Webb.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?