If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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Brother?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
This is my pinned tweet
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.