If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study