As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
You Might Also Like
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.