10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.