God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.