He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them