If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
the last thing a carrot sees
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.