If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Not today
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.