He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.