If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.