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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
…u ok Nintendo?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated