@badbanana: If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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@DanMentos: "Ed's Plumbing" Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet "ok when did your lady drop-" She didn't "Sir?" I hid it in her dessert
@LuckyLea13: I'm thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I'd still just be talking to myself
@JRobb773: I'm a very honest person except when HR asks if I'm the one trying to weaponize the pigeons outside my office.
@Nahdude83: *DJ scratches a sick mix* [crowd goes wild] *DJ scratches a puppy's ear* [crowd "awws"] *DJ scratches Lotto ticket* [crowd "oohs"] *wins $1*