If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Never ghost your hitman.