Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
You Might Also Like
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies