If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
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Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
There is no “we” in pizza
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine