If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Hit me in the face with a bird
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS