I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
You Might Also Like
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Why am I like this?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.