Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
You got this…
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words