The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
You Might Also Like
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
moms in horror movies
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Trying
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏