Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A