@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
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@soccerskiingmom: If any Americans still feel like emigrating to Canada, can you please bring up some Thanksgiving leftovers?
@XplodingUnicorn: Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.
@iinkedZombie: The horn quit working in my truck, so I'm hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.