My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I鈥檓 going to collect all the money people owe me before it鈥檚 too late.
The kidnapper rang and said “拢10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“拢20,000 and she’s all yours”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
馃煩猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
馃煩馃煩馃煩猬滐笍馃煩
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩馃煩馃煩
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
猬滐笍猬滐笍馃煩猬滐笍猬滐笍
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
When your man makes a valid point
i鈥檓 taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm鈥檈d me on twitter telling me they鈥檝e been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we鈥檙e both not gonna have him 馃槀馃槀馃槀
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Me: I think you鈥檙e going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you鈥檙e depressed? a carrot? we鈥檙e all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?