@_Tempo11: If it looks like I'm typing for five minutes I'm really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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@AdamBroud: Wife: Whatchya thinking about? Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
@DurtMcHurtt: I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
@murrman5: [catching breath at friends house] I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
@EdgarAllanLo: Me: You can't honestly expect me to believe this house isn't haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here. Realtor: Those are windows.