If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[shakes fist at other fist]
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.