If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
We like the way Dwight thinks
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???