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@lovemydogduck: If it screams, it's not food yet
@T_Bonezzz: STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
@ShaunRightNow: Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he's done.
@ChipKellysBalls: Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle ...
@antijokeapple: My friend David recently lost his ID. Now we just call him dav.
@_NTFG_: DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Depends on what you mean by active. There are plenty of active volcanos that haven't gone off in years