Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.