Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You Might Also Like
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I’m not wrong
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
This bar smells like my childhood.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.