My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?