if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help