If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.