If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Important
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
This headline is a thing of beauty
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol