If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.