If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone's happy and not just lazy?

@_mindflakes: (boom boom clap) (boom boom clap) Daisy you're a dog you're a good dog Playing in the park Gonna eat some cool bugs today

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@AndrewBarr8: "How many bags would you like, sir?" "I donno, just put everything in bags until it's all in bags and then that's how many bags."

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@trojansauce: [me as a gynaecologist] *pronouncing womb like it rhymes with bomb*

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@passion8turk: This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

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@JimNorton: I just got a text from a number I don't recognize saying, 'You're an embarrassment of a son'. I've narrowed it down to 2 people.

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