@MensHumor: "It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you play the game." -Losers

@tacsanitchiban: Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.

@DirtMcTurd: Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"

@GrrrRach: If Jehovah's witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I'd gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

@AimeeHelene1: *seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you* *grabs last bag of Cheetos* *tucks, rolls, and runs away*