If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.