@dafloydsta: [at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* "STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"

@crunchenhancer: A leaf blower, but for people.

@nerdreign: Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular. Wondering if "inbred whackadoodle" paints a full picture.

@Ideal_Victoria: Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

@nellyweather: "What's your favourite Pixar film?" "Up, yours?" "No need to be like that I was only asking"