If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.