If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.