I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.