[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You