If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”