I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
R.I.P.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends