If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?