Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”