Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Dead sexy!!
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT