If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
This took me a second..
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.