If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works