@NakedHangover: If it's true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
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@MrFornicator: People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
@LaetPO: Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
@FrenulumBreve: Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you. Her: awww. Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole* "we're out of cereal."
@splashguts: I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.