*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Autocarrot sucks!
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
There’s only one good girl here!
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.