@NakedHangover: If it's true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
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@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.
@TheToddWilliams: [chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar
@PaperWash: [First day as a private investigator] *Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound *Gets murdered
@ImaFlyontheWall: He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..