If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks